My challenge changed direction today. 316 pages into Pickwick - 200 more than my cut off - I gave up. There were just too many words; a lengthy paragraph was devoted to every gesture, movement or event . Some were beautifully written, but it was too much. It makes me feel bad to write this - Dickens is one of Britain's finest authors and here I am complaining about his wordiness. Apparently, to keep my attention, the writer needs to get to the point quickly. Has my uncultured inner-self been exposed? Here I am trying to read the top 100 novels and I have slogged through two and given up on the third. But, is it me or is it the novels? I have struggled to find any point of contact with any of the characters and plots of the books. The books have been about men, by men in a time and place I do not inhabit. I tell my students again and again the joy of reading comes with the connections you can make with the story. I have no connections so I have had no joy.
So, a new direction. Firstly, I have changed my list. I am now reading the Modern Library's top 100 novels of the 20th Century. (Marginally closer to the time I am living in). Scanning the list, it again is almost devoid of female authors; Virginia Woolfe is the lone lady in the top 20. This may be another disaster, but I'm going to give it a go. In at 100 is The Magnificent Ambertons, a realist novel about a rich American family losing it all in the wake of the Industrial Revolution. I fear a struggle for connections on this one too and I haven't opened it. Must think positive. And must stick to my 100 page rule. I'd prefer my challenge not to make me feel bad about myself.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
cut down so early in life
For my mummy book club I am reading "What Our Mother's Didn't Tell Us" by Danielle Crittenden. The first paragraph of chapter two, titled "Love", included the following quote: "- if such a young woman decides to get married, say, before she is twenty-five - she risks being regarded by her friends as a tragic figure, spoken of the way wartime generations once mourned the young men killed in battle "How unfortunate, with all that promise, to be cut down so early in life."" (p. 60) That's me. I have never before thought of myself as a tragic figure, but I wonder how many others have thought of me that way.
I am the only wife and mother in my circle of friends. I am an anomaly. Maybe this explains why it has been so hard for me to find close girl-friends. I have made choices that alienated me from everyone else; such as, a long-term relationship with a man living in a different country, a wedding at 23, a new life in a foreign country, a baby at 27. I'm certainly not a stereotypical profile for the pages of Cosmopolitan. But, have I got it all wrong or has everyone else got it all wrong?
The choices I have made have led me to a life where I am in love, happy, financially stable and secure. I don't think I can say the same about any of my friends. Some people would accuse me of taking the easy route; they may say I found a man to look after me and avoided any of the real work that comes with making it alone, or surviving independently by securing a good job and home on your own merit. There is a part of me that would agree, but why do we now have to prove our womanhood by "making it alone". I do not think that this is making women happier or more fulfilled. Of course some women thrive on independence and drive, while others require support and status-quo. I, without any premeditation, have managed to end up with the best of both worlds - support and personal success. I am not a soldier cut down in his or her prime.
Ultimately, I am happy that Rose will grow up a world where she will have the choice to become a modern independent woman or a more traditional codependent woman or anywhere in between. But, I hope, when she is making he decisions, nobody is judging her choices and comparing her to dead soldiers.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/28/magazine/28FOB-WWLN-t.html
I am the only wife and mother in my circle of friends. I am an anomaly. Maybe this explains why it has been so hard for me to find close girl-friends. I have made choices that alienated me from everyone else; such as, a long-term relationship with a man living in a different country, a wedding at 23, a new life in a foreign country, a baby at 27. I'm certainly not a stereotypical profile for the pages of Cosmopolitan. But, have I got it all wrong or has everyone else got it all wrong?
The choices I have made have led me to a life where I am in love, happy, financially stable and secure. I don't think I can say the same about any of my friends. Some people would accuse me of taking the easy route; they may say I found a man to look after me and avoided any of the real work that comes with making it alone, or surviving independently by securing a good job and home on your own merit. There is a part of me that would agree, but why do we now have to prove our womanhood by "making it alone". I do not think that this is making women happier or more fulfilled. Of course some women thrive on independence and drive, while others require support and status-quo. I, without any premeditation, have managed to end up with the best of both worlds - support and personal success. I am not a soldier cut down in his or her prime.
Ultimately, I am happy that Rose will grow up a world where she will have the choice to become a modern independent woman or a more traditional codependent woman or anywhere in between. But, I hope, when she is making he decisions, nobody is judging her choices and comparing her to dead soldiers.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/28/magazine/28FOB-WWLN-t.html
Thursday, March 25, 2010
thoughts on parenting
We came to some big parenting conclusions tonight. We want Rose to be a happy, confident, lucky-in -love young lady. I think the first two are controllable, the third, unfortunately, is not. As parents, we are in control of our child's happiness. We can provide a stable loving home, a dysfunctional, abusive home or anything in between. Whatever we provide for here is going to go a long way in determining the person our little girl will become. Of course nurture and nature interact together - but we are in charge of the nurture side and I determined to make it as happy and stable as possible.
For me that doesn't mean she will be receiving the best toys or clothes, going to the best private school. We don;t want those things and cannot afford them. Instead I am going to focus on my marriage and myself so I am happy. She may only have clothes from Target in her wardrobe, but she will have all the support, love and attention we can offer. But, she will have to get used to Mum and Dad's date nights.
I went to a mummy book club tonight. The other women there were all new mothers and back at work full-time as lawyers, landscape architects and school psychologists. The discussion was about finding that elusive balance between work and motherhood. Society seems to look down on motherhood; instead, a prestigious career is the ultimate goal of the modern women, children, if they do happen, come after the job. You have made it when you are successful in your career. Obviously, every woman is different, but I came away feeling that my job doesn't give me the sense of fulfillment I get from motherhood. I'm sure that I would be looked down on by some because of that. But, ultimately, it doesn't matter what a passing acquaintance or even a close friend thinks about your life choices - if you have found personal happiness in whatever guise it may be you have made it.
For me that doesn't mean she will be receiving the best toys or clothes, going to the best private school. We don;t want those things and cannot afford them. Instead I am going to focus on my marriage and myself so I am happy. She may only have clothes from Target in her wardrobe, but she will have all the support, love and attention we can offer. But, she will have to get used to Mum and Dad's date nights.
I went to a mummy book club tonight. The other women there were all new mothers and back at work full-time as lawyers, landscape architects and school psychologists. The discussion was about finding that elusive balance between work and motherhood. Society seems to look down on motherhood; instead, a prestigious career is the ultimate goal of the modern women, children, if they do happen, come after the job. You have made it when you are successful in your career. Obviously, every woman is different, but I came away feeling that my job doesn't give me the sense of fulfillment I get from motherhood. I'm sure that I would be looked down on by some because of that. But, ultimately, it doesn't matter what a passing acquaintance or even a close friend thinks about your life choices - if you have found personal happiness in whatever guise it may be you have made it.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Skeleton of spokes
It has been raining all day. On four different occasions I found myself desperately trying to right an inside out umbrella and its ugly skeleton of spokes with a bundled baby strapped to my chest and a dripping dog lunging to eat some street crap. I screamed "fuck" the fourth time.
At these moments I catch myself envying people seemingly unburdened by responsibilities like students riding bikes or women with only a handbag to carry. Drivers must have watched me struggle today and thought glad that's not me. At more less frazzled moments I know I love having the responsibilty of caring for a baby (the dog not so much), but I do miss the freedom to just leave the house and go somewhere, anywhere with just a handbag.
At these moments I catch myself envying people seemingly unburdened by responsibilities like students riding bikes or women with only a handbag to carry. Drivers must have watched me struggle today and thought glad that's not me. At more less frazzled moments I know I love having the responsibilty of caring for a baby (the dog not so much), but I do miss the freedom to just leave the house and go somewhere, anywhere with just a handbag.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
The Pickwick Papers
I'm on p. 112 of The Pickwick Papers. The jovial title man has just been involved in a high speed horse and "chaise" chase. No one - man or beast - was hurt. A couple of times during the action Dickens referred to the carriage traveling at an unsettling speed of 15 miles per hour. I imagine the same scene today as the equivalent of two Cadillacs racing over mud at 100 miles per hour. Someone - or something - would have died in the updated version. While reading, this is one example that illustrates how the material aspects of life have completely changed since Pickwick's time, but human interactions, human idiosyncrasies and human idiocy remain exactly the same.
I love the premise of the book; four men travel around the country and record their observations of British life. Simple and something I would quiet happily spend my time doing. As Dickens first book, I like to imagine that he turned a love of people watching into the entry point to his writing career. So far the antics of the characters in Pickwick, like Scoop and Lucky Jim, are annoyingly juvenile, but the description is sumptuous. Dicken's characterization is like portraiture; he shows you every angle of every person. For example, Sam's first impression of Wardle's lawyer Mr. Perker of Grey's Inn: "He was a little high dried man with a dark squeezed up face, and small, restless black eyes, that kept winking and twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose, as if they were playing a perpetual game of peep-bo with that feature..." (p. 118) We know immediately that we are to dislike this man (there is something very unsettling about small dark eyes). Dickens doesn't like lawyers and makes this very clear with those few withering lines.
I love the premise of the book; four men travel around the country and record their observations of British life. Simple and something I would quiet happily spend my time doing. As Dickens first book, I like to imagine that he turned a love of people watching into the entry point to his writing career. So far the antics of the characters in Pickwick, like Scoop and Lucky Jim, are annoyingly juvenile, but the description is sumptuous. Dicken's characterization is like portraiture; he shows you every angle of every person. For example, Sam's first impression of Wardle's lawyer Mr. Perker of Grey's Inn: "He was a little high dried man with a dark squeezed up face, and small, restless black eyes, that kept winking and twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose, as if they were playing a perpetual game of peep-bo with that feature..." (p. 118) We know immediately that we are to dislike this man (there is something very unsettling about small dark eyes). Dickens doesn't like lawyers and makes this very clear with those few withering lines.
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